I miss you

My mum died.
Those are words I didn't expect I would need to write so soon.
You always know that your parents are going to die. And most likely before you. You always know the day will come when you will have to attend their funeral, but you don't expect it to be when they are so healthy. When you are so young. I was 27 and she was 54. Do the math. It's a 27 year age gap.
Now begins the portion of my life where I don't have my constant companion. My best friend. The portion of my life where I have to decide what I want to do without her to lean on. Do I apply for a night job without her voice of reason saying "maybe you're not ready yet". Do I try IVF again knowing my child will never meet my mum. Do I watch her favourite film knowing she will never watch it again. She will never do anything again. She is gone. And it hurts.
I have endless memories with her. And my worry is that my memories without her will overshadow them. That I might start to forget her voice, her mannerisms, her weird humour.
I have endless 'What if' questions running through my head. I am forever trying to understand why, and what I could or couldn't have done. How things could have gone differently.
Why me. Why her. Why.
I'm finding my way through the World without the one person I felt understood me the most. The one person who knew that I wasn't just shy, I was anxious. Knew all of my history. Knew the exact remedy for when I wasn't feeling well (Orange Lucozade, Strawberry Laces and ready salted crisps).
I am now in that strange club. The one no one wants to be in. The one where you have lost a parent. You have lost a loved one. You have witnessed death. You have seen suicide.
I don't want to be in the club, but all I can do is make the best of it.

30 Day Book Photo Challenge - April 14

This was designed by Books & Cupcakes.

14. Mythical Being

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - J.K. Rowling

Harry is furious that he has been abandoned at the Dursleys' house for the summer, for he suspects that Voldemort is gathering an army, that he himself could be attacked, and that his so-called friends are keeping him in the dark. Finally rescued by wizard bodyguards, he discovers that Dumbledore is regrouping the Order of the Phoenix - a secret society first formed years ago to fight Voldemort. But the Ministry of Magic is against the Order, lies are being spread by the wizards' tabloid, the Daily Prophet, and Harry fears that he may have to take on this epic battle against evil alone.

Thestrals

Luna Lovegood: "They're called Thestrals. They're quite gentle, really... But people avoid them because they're a bit..."

Harry Potter: "Different. But why can't the others see them?"

Luna Lovegood: "They can only be seen by people who've seen death."

 This book lives on my Harry Potter shelf with some of my small Harry Potter memorobillia, the thing lay across the top is my Marauder's Map.
(currently re-reading Deathly Hallows)

I'm a huge Harry Potter fan. For this book, I queued up at midnight with my brother to get it and I was so excited. I was also a slow reader at the time and didn't actually read it for a few months. But I still remember the excitement of it coming out and the atmosphere of the midnight sale.
I love the idea of the Thestrals and the films brought them to life so well. The scene in the book and film where Luna and Harry meet in the forest sets the scene for so many future interactions between the two, so thestrals will always hold a special importance for me.