Those are words I didn't expect I would need to write so soon.
You always know that your parents are going to die. And most likely before you. You always know the day will come when you will have to attend their funeral, but you don't expect it to be when they are so healthy. When you are so young. I was 27 and she was 54. Do the math. It's a 27 year age gap.
Now begins the portion of my life where I don't have my constant companion. My best friend. The portion of my life where I have to decide what I want to do without her to lean on. Do I apply for a night job without her voice of reason saying "maybe you're not ready yet". Do I try IVF again knowing my child will never meet my mum. Do I watch her favourite film knowing she will never watch it again. She will never do anything again. She is gone. And it hurts.
I have endless memories with her. And my worry is that my memories without her will overshadow them. That I might start to forget her voice, her mannerisms, her weird humour.
I have endless 'What if' questions running through my head. I am forever trying to understand why, and what I could or couldn't have done. How things could have gone differently.
Why me. Why her. Why.
I'm finding my way through the World without the one person I felt understood me the most. The one person who knew that I wasn't just shy, I was anxious. Knew all of my history. Knew the exact remedy for when I wasn't feeling well (Orange Lucozade, Strawberry Laces and ready salted crisps).
I am now in that strange club. The one no one wants to be in. The one where you have lost a parent. You have lost a loved one. You have witnessed death. You have seen suicide.
I don't want to be in the club, but all I can do is make the best of it.
